I was in a dark-room with a girl, and we started to have sexual interactions - I say sexual interaction because was like having sex with clothes, and moment of masturbation too - and suddenly the girl was fat, and I saw the image of a giant-fat woman with sweated body just getting close to me, and I judged her like 'yikes, I will not have sex with you, how nasty' - and I stood up, my reaction to that was made by the belief and fear of that a fat woman is smelly, and well, I was there and I felt sadness because of believing that she would be sad for my behavior, and I just went back to her and I laid down, hugging her, because of the thought 'well, I will make her believe that everything it's ok', obviously the fear is to be a bad person, because of the belief that if I left a woman is being a bad person. And within that situation, I started to caress her stomach, and I offer her to go to other place - in that moment I saw an image of a mall-shop, and I flied out of the window to go there, and then I went back and I tried to teleport myself and her to that place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the image of a fat women with sweated body, and associated it with a negative charge as something disgusting, through a self-interest point of searching the 'perfect' woman as the TV shows, as they are programmed in my mind as images, so, without realizing that fat or thing woman is a woman, and that I am judging life if I judge a women, because there is no equality in that, rather disregard of the physical as one and equal, so
When and as I see myself in and as the image of a fat woman with sweated body - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am judging the physical expression of a woman when getting driven by that image.
I commit myself to stop and take responsibility for what I associated as perfection as beauty, bringing myself here in and as breath when seeing myself judging as beauty/ugly, nice/disgusting, and applying self-forgiveness in and as the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the backchat 'yikes, I will not have sex with you, how nasty', without considering and/or understanding that sex isn't an image, rather physical expression, thus that shows my desire of just wanting to have sex with 'perfect' woman with 'perfect' bodies, point where obviously there is no consideration as the physical as self as one and equal, rather only an image to satisfy and fulfill picture-based desires instead of enjoying physically the sex as physical expression.
When and as I see myself in and as the backchat 'yikes, I will not have sex with you, how nasty' - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I judge the women because of my own programmed women perfection thus there's no physical consideration as oneness and equality when evading physical interaction because of judging the person because of her weight.
I commit myself to deconstruct all that I believe and perceive as perfect, thus bringing myself back here in and as breath and applying self-forgiveness for my judgments, either good or bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that a fat person is smelly, without realizing that that belief is just a justification to the desire of a perfect woman, besides, the smell is physical, so that indicates that we create our own ideas/perceptions about what we smell, and that if we remove those judgments, we can be here as breath, knowing all kind of physical smells
When and as I see myself believing that a fat person is smelly - I stop and I breathe. I realize that there's no reality in that belief, because is not here, thus I do not support myself to be here as breath as the physical when projecting myself in how will be the smell of a person.
I commit myself to stop all my ideas and perceptions about all kind of smells, through checking how I react to that, and taking responsibility for my reaction through self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the backchat 'ok I will make her believe that everything it's ok', without considering or realizing my self-interest point of seeking to be seen as a good person, and that obviously the search implies the support for the illusion of happiness, thus there's no support as life as oneness and equality in that, so:
When and as I see myself in and as the backchat 'ok I will make her/him believe that everything it's ok' - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I deceive myself in believing that everything will be ok because of making someone believe that everything it's ok, and that in fact that means to support the consequence of the abuse instead of realizing and taking responsibility of how I created those thoughts as the search of superiority.
I commit myself to stop trying to making believe others that everything it's ok, remaining here in and as breath when I see myself thinking in doing it, showing myself that things are not ok if I try to suppress my own self-dishonesty through the happiness of being a good person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hug a fat women because of feeling sadness because of believing that a women will be sad if I get away from her because of being fat, without realizing that the sadness will not change my own judgments and self-interest about having sex with perfect woman, thus it is obviously a point of searching to be good and not see what started the whole reaction, so, obviously there is no physical consideration as oneness and equality in acting/hugging her behind the self-interest point of being a good person to really not take responsibility and to be ego-glorified for my own judgments and perceptions about perfect/imperfect.
When and as I see myself hugging a woman behind sadness - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I try to reach a 'good person' position when hugging a woman behind sadness to suppress the sadness with happiness, thus I do not support myself really see how I created that sadness if I suppress it through creating happiness.
I commit myself to stop my sadness applying self-forgiveness in and as the moment, and to realize and take responsibility of how I create the sadness.
I commit myself to show that sadness will never solve anything, and that we use the sadness as a tool to get in our good person position, where we are not considering life as equals, rather our own self-interest of being ego-glorified.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe that I am a bad person if I left a woman for being fat, without realizing that being a bad person is the excuse and justification to not change, because in fact he point isn't being a bad or good person, that is just more self-interest of go from being a bad person to being a good person through self-interest thoughts and behaviors, then in fact the point is judging a women for her weight for seeking the 'perfect' woman as TV shows, where obviously we limit the physical consideration as oneness and equality, to only an image, thus:
When and as I see myself fearing and believing that I am a bad person if a left a woman for being fat - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I do not solve and change my own judgments and beliefs when judging myself as a bad person; besides, I do not take responsibility for what really I accepted and allowed to judge a fat women as disgusting.
I commit myself to stop diminishing myself to get in a good person position, standing up in and as oneness and equality and aligning all of me into and as what is best for all as life as one as equal.
And within that situation, I started to caress her stomach, and I offer her to go to other place - in that moment I saw an image of a mall-shop, and I flied out of the window to go there, and then I went back and I tried to teleport myself and her to that place.
Obviously that symbolism represent myself trying to escape from that situation and trying to make the good image hiding my two fears behind the 'idea' of going to somewhere else - obviously a public place.
Well, the teleportation didn't work.
So, physical considerations: I cannot escape from consequences, I cannot fly, I can face the consequences breathing and walking every reaction and every thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to offer to go to other place to a woman to evade physical contact with the woman and covering up the evasion with that offer to make her believe 'oh we will go to another place - how cool', without considering in self-honesty my own self-interest of wanting to have sex with a 'perfect' woman, and within that I realize how I was trying to make a good person position over my own judgments about beauty, so
When and as I see myself trying to get a good person position within escaping from my fears - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I deceive myself when trying to cover up my own self-dishonesty with a good person position, and that that position will not change my change my own judgments.
I commit myself to communicate with my partner if I see self-resistance to physical contact points with my partner, walking the point through self-forgiveness and facing my resistances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the image of myself in a shopping, without realizing that that image was just supporting my own self-interest as trying to escape from my resistance to have sex, going to a public place, so there is no responsibility as really see how I created that resistance, and that the obvious self-interest point to not do that, is resisting my own change in terms of stopping desiring a 'perfect' woman, so
When and as I see myself in and as the image of myself in a shopping when wanting to go to a public place with a woman to evade having intimate physical contact with her - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I do not take responsibility of and as myself as my beliefs and judgments about beauty when supporting my self-interest of wanting to escape from my own judgments about a woman - unacceptable.
I commit myself to stop supporting my self-interest through my thoughts, remaining here breathing and self-honest, to asses every thought in consideration of if is self-interest or not, self-forgiving the thoughts in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fly to escape from my resistances and fears, without understanding that those resistances and fears are the guide to sort myself out and to correct myself to and as what is best for all life.
When and as I see myself wanting to fly - I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is no physicality in flying, because I cannot fly, and that I do not supporting myself to face myself when trying to escape through fly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to teleport myself with my partner to a public place, without realizing that there is no physicality in teleportation, and that is merely mental attempt to find an easy way out instead of facing the point of sex/intimacy resistance, so
When and as I see myself wanting to teleport to evade a certain situation/event - I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is impossible to teleport because is not physical, and that I cannot hide or escape from myself, so in wanting to teleport as evasion attempt I do not support myself to take responsibility for my fears and beliefs, that are not real, so that means that I try to escape from the illusion that I have created.
I commit myself to stop all my non-physically desires, aligning myself in and as the physical, so stopping all that is not physical, I mean, stopping the illusion.
Cool Juan.
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